Real Southern Spam

As with any blog out there, Real Southern Men welcomes comments from our readers. We always try to engage y’all. In fact, we’d love to see even more comments on our stories.

Also, as with any other blog out there, where there are comments there will be spam. Every once in a while, we break out the metaphorical shovel to muck out the spam stall. We’re doing that today, but we thought we’d share some of these ridiculous spam-bot comments with you.

The Sly Sales Pitch

With this type of spam comment, it starts off like a compliment and then slyly slips in the spam content as if it’s just a friendly suggestion from one of your readers. The problem is the transition from non-specific butt kissing to sales pitch is a non-sequitur at best.

For example, this comment was posted to Wayne Franklin’s post about being an Alabama Crimson Tide fan:

“Thanks for sharing these types of wonderful content. In addition, an excellent travel and medical insurance plan can often relieve those problems that come with visiting abroad. Some sort of medical emergency can soon become expensive and that’s guaranteed to quickly set a financial burden on the family’s finances. Setting up in place the perfect travel insurance bundle prior to leaving is well worth the time and effort. Cheers”

Okay… Thanks for that. I’m not really sure how a discussion of football fandom merited a pitch for travel insurance, but hey, at least your English was good. The same can’t be said for others:

Lost in Translation

Nothing says “spam” like a generic compliment that only barely resembles an English sentence. To wit:

“It’s rare knowledgeable individuals on this subject, nevertheless, you be understood as guess what happens that you are speaking about! Thanks”

If you’re going to spam us with bad translations, at least do us the courtesy of putting them in Twanglish. Here’s another:

“I was reading some of your content material on this website and I feel this internet internet site is really informative! Maintain putting up.”

That second one was posted as a comment on our Contact page and linked to a site selling Neti pots. Am I missing something? Is there something about our Contact page that suggest we’re struggling with allergies and/or sinusitis? Either way worry not, fair spammer, we shall maintain putting up. Oh, yes we shall.

The Shameless Sycophant

There are millions of blogs out there, and many of them are, let’s face it, self-indulgent. If some people start blogging out of insecurity, this type of spam comment is designed just for them:

“You made some decent points there. I looked on the internet for the subject and found most individuals will agree with your blog.”

Wow, Thank you for the kind remark. It’s good to know that most individuals would agree it’s time for OT in the Southern Sweets Showdown. We were really second-guessing ourselves on that decision, even though the previous round of voting necessitated it. Thanks for the validation.

The Wait … What?

Some just don’t make any sense whatsoever:

“In one instance, an eight year old kid walked toward him, and he ducked into his car to avoid a prospective herd of little autograph seekers.”

That’s it. That’s the whole comment posted to a story about having to give up a dog. Who is this mysterious man who flees in terror at the sight of an eight-year-old boy? What did he do to become so famous, or perhaps infamous? And why are little boys traveling in herds? Is this some sort of post-apocalyptic scenario? Alas, we may never know.

“May be Meon the other hand Which includes a Dried High Pipeline”

Ummm … Okaaaayyy … Moving on.

The Gambit

Whereas the spam comments that prey upon the blogger’s insecurities with faint, generic praise are the most common, a new player in the spam battles has emerged. This one is crafty and clearly contrived by someone who understands what the comments section of most websites are all about: negativity.

“The next time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I do know it was my choice to learn, but I really thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about one thing that you might fix when you werent too busy in search of attention.”

Unfortunately, this bold choice of insult spam falls short in many familiar ways. First of all, it doesn’t say anything. Secondly, the sentence structure is bizarre at best. It’s as if someone put a million monkeys at a million typewriters to recreate Shakespeare, and half the monkeys died after a week, leaving us with this.

In fact, we’re going to help the spammers out. If you want to go for the verisimilitude of angry, faceless commenters, follow these rules: 1. Keep it simple. 2. Keep it short. 3. Make sure the misspellings and grammatical errors look real. For example:

“Your an idiot.”

Bless your little spamming hearts …

UPDATE: within a couple of hours of posting this (and cleaning out the spam folder), we get this comment on one of our posts, which was not flagged as spam:

“nice! I love bike shops that gnenieuly want to help you learn how to work on and maintain your bike”

Nicely done. Conversational, brief and with realistic spelling errors. Too bad it was submitted to a post about Peach Ice Cream versus Coca-Cola Cake in the Southern Sweets Showdown.

UPDATE #2: Okay, seriously … It’s like the spammers took this post as a personal affront. In the 12 hours following this post, three spam comments got past the filters.  We haven’t had that many in months. Here’s another fine sample of absurdity, submitted to a post about raisin pie:

“Here’s 10 ronesas to celebrate the fact that Kinky got his signatures:(1) Kinky has ,(2) Kinky ,(3) Kinky’s interview with Ruminator magazine confirms that he ,(4) Kinky’s confirm he was mistaken when he said he voted , (5) Kinky hasn’t voted for a Democrat in ,(6) Kinky wants to take time during the school day for , (7) Kinky wants to ,(8) Kinky is not obsessed with (9) Kinky knows how to deal with and (10) Kinkys immigration policy of hiring to police our border is a great idea that John McCain has endorsed.”

I can’t argue with that … because I have no idea what it means. Maybe they’re the unfinished lyrics of a particularly unrhythmic song entitled “Kinky Wants,” inspired by the great Kinky Friedman. Alas, like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

7 Responses to “Real Southern Spam”

  1. That was fun to read through and I found another Real Southern saying with your own twist at the end. It’s the “Bless your little heart” or “Bless your heart.”. I have a friend that says that to me from time to timea and it feels like a polite substitution for something else. Could you write the Southern interpretation of that phrase other than the obvious? Thank you!

  2. Bless your little heart! Thank you!

  3. Is it fine to insert a portion of this in my website if perhaps I post a reference to this web page?

  4. “Half the monkeys died after a week and left us with this.” Ha! Wish I’d thought of that line. I’m often baffled by spam, but some of these comments take lost in translation to a whole new level. Thanks for sharing these and for maintaining putting up!

  5. to heck with LOL that was funny haha!!!!

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