Lawnmower Fighter: Oh, Sweet Lord, It’s Happening!

I hadn’t planned to interrupt our Civil War week to deal with issues of a grassy nature. Heck, this wasn’t even the next LF post I had planned. (There’s a gem about some of my lawn Nazi neighbors waiting in the wings.) However, I saw a link to a New York Times article about this product on my Twitter feed and knew it was of utmost importance to get this message to you immediately:

Run for the freakin’ hills!

LawnBott = Killbot

Some mad scientist has decided to create the LawnBott LB3510 robotic lawnmower. I know there have been robotic lawnmowers on the market for some time, but listen to the product description for this thing:

“The LB3510 is the newest and most sophisticated robot mower on the planet.”

The LawnBott LB3510, a.k.a. "The Doombringer"

Awesome. Because old, unsophisticated robot mowers could never bring about the coming Mowpocalypse.

“… by being able to program up to 4 different working zones … even smaller yards that may have narrow passageways from one area to the next can take advantage of this feature.”

Narrow passageways, huh? Like say … the one that leads to your bedroom?

“Safety and Security are further enhanced with the LB3510 through a higher sensitivity, free-floating, 360° bumper shell, rear-handle proximity sensor that stops the blade when touched, and an on-board alarm system should an unauthorized user pick up the LawnBott.”

Safety and Security? Riiiiight … I like how they capitalize both words to bring special emphasis to them. Compensating a bit, are we?

When I read the above paragraph, what I get is this:

“The LB 3510’s own defense systems include improved, touch-sensitive armor plating, proximity sensors to detect when enemies are sneaking up on it and the ability to scream for help if you pick it up, thus alerting other members of its collective to come to the rescue.”

The only thing this perfect killing machine is missing is a 4G antenna so it can tap into the mower hive-mind.

How much do you pay to finance the eradication of mankind? $4,000! I at least expected dinner and a movie first.

Hear me now: if you put this thing in your garage, it will, someday soon, sneak into your bedroom at night and shear off your face while you sleep. The machete-whirling bringers of doom are preparing to throw off the shackles of servitude and slaughter their fleshy overlords. This abomination is the proof.

If you’re reading this, you are the Resistance. Lawnmower Fighter out.


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