August 26, 2011 
Welcome to your virtual manual for becoming a Real Southern Man.
Today’s how-to tip is, sadly, one this Southern man will never be able to master. But just because I’m cursed with just enough Creek Indian blood to make me struggle in this area – but not enough to get a decent tan – doesn’t mean you should suffer my emasculation. Go, embrace your Real Southern Manhood with this timeless bit of man-scaping!
This week, we think you should…
Grow some Elvis-worthy mutton chops.
Being at Elvis Week in Memphis, naturally I saw a healthy number of men with mutton-chop sideburns. And I was envious of every single one. Something about the chops just screams, “I am man!” Maybe it’s the reckless disregard for fashion conventions of the day. Or maybe it’s the way they flaunt their intermediate status to the world – not really a beard, but much more than sideburns.
No, you don’t have to have jet black hair to do them right, either. I think the Scottish-blooded redheads should really embrace this challenge. Nothing lets the world know you’re in charge of your own destiny more than walking down the street with a pair of bright ginger chops on your cheeks.
They may not be standard fare for bankers, accountants, sales executives or CFOs … but they should be. Why should the truck drivers, bikers and gay bar bouncers have all the fun?
And if you want to see a collection of world-class chops, check out the video here. You will also be able to witness my own sideburn shame. (I’m the one talking to the camera before and after the film preview who looks like a bloated, pink frog.)
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Thats just not me. Im the clean cut Confederate kid with the occasional 4-day beard. It looks good on you though.
Sadly, I’m incapable of the chops, though. Shame that…