Today’s how-to tip is a little tricky, because it requires talking your way into an elite, powerful group. No, we’re not talking about the Shriners. (Although, all RSM have secretly harbored a desire to dress up like clowns and drive tiny cars in a parade … for the sake of the children.) Since you can’t do it until Sunday, you’ve got nearly an entire week to prepare.
This week, we think you should…
Be an usher at church.
As sure as December comes after May – well, you know, not directly – you know they’ll be there at the door, ready to greet you with a smile, a Mimeographed church program and a friendly “Welcome, brother.” (Okay, the part about the Mimeograph may be us waxing nostalgic. Ahhhh … the sweet smell of the Mimeograph…)
You see them carrying out the most solemn and responsible duty of passing the collection plate. Then they disappear somewhere in the back, presumably forgoing their own spiritual enrichment to selflessly handle the accounting tasks required of the weekly offering. But, oh, the soul-crushing disappointment you feel the first time you learn that they aren’t straining their eyes in some dark room, counting and recounting that week’s offering to the last penny, but instead are slipping outside to have a smoke!
Perhaps the most amazing thing about church ushers is that, except on those rare occasions when the church is filled to the brim (ahem … Easter), you almost never see them actually ush. Call it a product of our more casual society, but now that we think of it, ushers never actually ush anywhere these days. Maybe the world is waiting for a crop of Real Southern Men to step up and take the mantle of ushdom, to remind the world that it’s not enough to simply say hello as people enter and occasionally gently persuade people to slide to the center. Yes! Now is our time!
Arise men, and ush like none have ushed before!
And everyone knows if you want to truly experience the power of the usher, you need to do so at a small Southern Baptist church. What better way to escape mouthing the words to fourteen verses of “Just As I Am”?